There have been a lot of valleys during this journey to Baby H – breakdowns where it felt like every ounce of energy was drained from my body; dinners spent venting to my husband about the multitude of pregnancy announcements on Facebook, challenging the fairness of it all; and most often, sleepless nights where I was haunted by all our unknowns. Will I produce enough eggs? Will they be good quality eggs? Will we have a good fertilization rate? Will we have any embryos make it to transfer? To freezing? Will this even work? But lately, I’ve been on the upswing of what I so frequently call the emotional roller coaster; and I can’t help but find it strange that these unknowns that had my stomach in knots earlier this year, somehow bring with them now…peace.
A friend of mine who is wound very much like me went through IVF a year or so before my first round. She told me that during IVF, I would surprise myself by learning to let go – that I would have a different outlook on what is important and worth my time and energy. She was right. During Round 1, my whole focus was on IVF – the injections, the monitoring appointments, follicle growth, embryo development, etc. I didn’t meal plan. I didn’t follow our chore schedule. I didn’t run any errands. I went to work where I could barely focus, came home, and rested with IVF stuff sprinkled in between. My husband couldn’t believe it; I was letting go.
“Letting go” in Round 2 means something different though, and it’s hard to explain. Those unknowns, everything I mentioned above, they’re still there. They still cross my mind. But I’ve realized that I can’t control them, so I can’t let them control me. I’ll take my injections like a champ, but I can’t make my follicles grow. My doctor, not me, will retrieve my eggs. The embryologist, not me, will monitor our growing embryos in the lab. And God, not me, knows the plan for our lives. All I can do right now is take care of myself emotionally and physically. And that begins by not letting the unknowns plague my mind but by letting them go.
So here we are at a little over a week until stimming. Our medications arrived today. The baseline ultrasound is scheduled for Wednesday. And all tentative monitoring and retrieval appointments are on the calendar. We have a lot ahead of us; how much is yet another unknown. But in this moment, I’m just a girl on birth control letting go and enjoying the upswing.