I do a lot of things that drive my husband crazy – my late night cleaning sprees, the fact that I never drain my bath water, and how I always remember that I left my purse in the car just as we’re in bed for the night. Then, there’s my inability to sit through a movie without Googling the ending. I usually have to sneak away to read a plot synopsis on IMDB because he’ll fuss if he catches me. “I’m watching you,” he’ll say. I just can’t seem to make him understand that I enjoy the movie so much more when I know how it ends. The suspense! I can’t take it! And that’s sort of how I’m feeling right now about this upcoming transfer.
Wednesday was my first bad day in a while. I didn’t cry or anything. I was just bummed and found myself becoming more and more nervous as the transfer date nears. In an effort to take control of my emotions, I reorganized Hormone Headquarters – the cubby tucked in the corner of our kitchen where we keep all the medicine, vitamins, needles, and alcohol swabs. It helped. But while cleaning, I found the journal Brennen gave me before our first round of IVF last June. The cover reads “Hello Mama.” I picked it up and thumbed through the blank pages – the first few where I still haven’t recorded the details of the retrievals and transfers and behind that, a week-by-week pregnancy journal. I flipped to the end to a page that says “Hello Baby.” Again, blank. But it would be so much easier if it wasn’t. If I could see what was waiting for me after all the shots, appointments, procedures, scans, tests, and breakdowns. If I could skip ahead to the good part. If I just knew how itends. Maybe then, days like Wednesday wouldn’t be so hard. But unfortunately, this is one story where I can’t look up the ending. I just have to wait it out…day by day. It’s easier said than done, and some days it’s not easy at all. For the most part, I’ve found a peace about our situation; but that peace comes and goes and sometimes leaves me with a Wednesday.
I’m not sure how to wrap up this post. Again, another ending I can’t find. I just pray that I get over this hump soon, my nerves settle down, the peace returns, and come May, I have nothing but positive energy to give our little embryo.