It took two weeks, but I finally cried. I knew I would eventually break. I just didn’t know it would be a banana that broke me.
Brennen and I had been house sitting for his parents while they were vacationing over the past couple weeks. On our third or so night of the stay, I was struggling to adjust to living out of a suitcase. Even though I was only 20 minutes from my house and in one I knew well, it still wasn’t mine. And it wasn’t my bed, so I was having trouble sleeping. Wednesday night, after trying to fall asleep for almost two hours, it was midnight, and I was hungry. This happens to me a lot late at night because I eat an early dinner (Brennen would like to add, “like an old person”). I got up and headed for the kitchen with a craving for fruit, especially a banana. No fruit anywhere and no snack to suit my midnight craving. This wasn’t my house. It wasn’t my bed. There were no bananas. So right there in the middle of the pantry, I lost it – ugly crying all over the place. I texted Brennen, “Crying.” In no time, he opened the pantry and found me sobbing and complaining about how there were no bananas and nothing was going right for me.
You see, earlier that day I went to my Ob’s clinic for some blood work. Now, I hardly ever feel alone in this process thanks to our network of support and the many amazing women I’ve met who share in this struggle, BUT if there is one place I do feel alone, it’s in the freaking waiting room of the Ob’s office surrounded by pregnancy and motherhood. When I’m there, I’m different. Limited. Cursed. And with those feelings bubbling beneath the surface, the banana…or lack thereof, was the straw that broke the camel’s back. And although the cry stirred up my emotions of failure, impatience, self-pity, and heartache, it felt good to finally have that release. So I welcomed the sadness, and cried until I was too tired to cry anymore.
One week later, and on a much happier note, preparations for Transfer #4 are underway. Since my last post, I talked to my doctor about the protocol this time around. When I told him I was a difficult case, he said, “It’s not you. It’s your uterus.” Ha! For my last transfer, my lining was less than desirable, measuring at 7mm. This whole thin-uterine-lining thing is a new issue for me. But because it was healthy and triple-layered, we decided to move forward with the transfer. After all, women get pregnant with 7mm linings all the time. Well, not me, so we’re not going to take that chance again. Transfer #4 will not happen until I have a uterine lining measuring at least 8mm.
So from now until October 5th, my main job is to do what I can to thicken that uterine lining – Estrace, pomegranate juice, red raspberry leaf tea, self-fertility massages, exercise, acupuncture, meditation, iron-rich foods, etc. Brennen’s job…well, he’s just gotta keep the bananas stocked. Fingers crossed for October 5th!