About 2 years after Brennen and I were married, I was driving my two little cousins to Dairy Queen when the 7-year old asked, “Bre Bre, when are you and Brennen gonna have a baby?” I responded, “Well, Ani, I just don’t know.” With a concerned look, she rolled her eyes and huffed, “Well if you don’t hurry up you’re gonna be like Sarah in the Bible and not have one til you’re like 90!” Three years later, still no baby, but I’m not like Sarah.
During this infertility journey, we have received so many words of encouragement. Among them has been the phrase, “It will happen in God’s timing.” After hearing this over and over again, I began to think, “What exactly does that even mean?”
Boy, did I pray about this one! I read. I talked to Brennen about it. I talked to friends. I did everything I could think of to get to the bottom of what it meant for me to get pregnant in God’s timing. Then it hit me. It can’t happen in God’s timing if it’s not in God’s will. That’s the kicker. Saying something happens in God’s timing is like saying it will happen – it’s just that it will happen when God is ready for it to. But here’s the thing, it may not happen. I may not get pregnant. I am not promised a child. But you know who was? Sarah.
“I will bless her and will surely give you a son by her.” -Genesis 17:16
Children aren’t promises from God. Children are blessings from God. We’re all blessed, but we all get a different combination of blessings in our lives. And it may be that a child isn’t in our bundle.
I remember the first time it hit me that I may never have a child of my own. It was after our second unsuccessful IUI. I ugly cried – the kind of cry where, even though you look ridiculous, you can’t stop staring at yourself in the mirror. Yep, I just sat there at my bathroom vanity staring at myself crying. Maybe I was trying to see the reality of our situation, or maybe it was because I couldn’t bring myself to move. The cry started in the living room. Then, when I couldn’t make it to the bedroom, I dropped to the kitchen floor where I propped myself up against the refrigerator and bawled my eyes out. Finally, I made it to the vanity to grab some Kleenex and there I sat – just staring at myself…crying, wilted, and unable to move.
Our fertility journey has taken us to another level both emotionally and spiritually. This emotional roller coaster has been a new experience for us, and despite growing up in church and in Christian households, Brennen and I have had to learn how to pray through it. We’re still learning. We don’t pray that God’s timing will be soon rather than later. We don’t pray for a child to be granted to us. What we pray for is peace during these times, for protection from words that may hurt us, and for guidance that we’ll make the right decisions along the way. Finally, we pray that a baby is in God’s will, but if it’s not, we pray for patience as we wait for His will to be revealed.
So no, I’m not Sarah. Brennen is not Abraham. And there is definitely not a Hagar in the picture! We don’t have the promise of a child. We hope to one day have that blessing. But in the meantime, we’ll revel in the blessings we’ve been given, thank God for each and every one of them, and continue to seek His will…not His timing.