Right after college, I started studying for the dreaded CPA exam. I spent hours every day for months cramming for the first of four sections. I kept note cards with me everywhere I went. If I wasn’t sleeping or eating, I was probably studying. Finally, test day came, and (if I remember correctly) in 3 sets of 90 questions, it was over. I left the test center, sat in my car, and cried like a baby. I couldn’t believe that I had just taken the first part of the freakin’ CPA exam, a test I had thought about since I declared my major Freshman year. Boy was I relieved to have that first test behind me! But I was scared that I might not have even passed it. I was already anxious about the month or so I would have to wait until my score came in. Then I realized that even if I did pass, I still had 3 more sections left. And who knew if I would pass all those the first time! There was still so much ahead, and all I could do in that moment was let it all out and cry.
That’s kind of how I felt today, Stim Day 1. I just needed to cry. I figured a breakdown was on the way considering that every time Brennen and I talked about injections this past week, I teared up. I’m convinced that if it weren’t for college football and some chores I had to do around the house, I would have cried a lot sooner. But it wasn’t until I was in my closet, alone, picking out a Southern Miss shirt to wear for tonight’s game, that all my emotions hit me at once. I texted Brennen from my closet, “I need you to come here.” And I just let it all out.
I’m scared. Yes, I try not to think about it too much, but this may not work…
I’m sad. I don’t have a baby, and I want one. I want to give birth to a tiny human that’s part me and part Brennen. I miss someone I’ve never met; it breaks my heart.
I’m angry. I question the fairness of this situation sometimes. I understand that children aren’t rewards, promises, or guarantees; but I have my days where I find myself asking, “Why do they get a baby, and we don’t?”
I’m anxious. I’m the type of girl who reads what happens at the end of a movie so I can actually enjoy watching it. It drives Brennen and my sister Caitlin crazy. As I was crying today, I told Brennen, “I just want to know how this ends.” I know that’s impossible and out of my control, but I still wonder.
But at the same time, I’m happy. As weird as it sounds, injection time is bonding time for Brennen and me. I love it!
I’m thankful. We’re so blessed to be able to do another round of IVF. And we couldn’t have made it through these past few months without the love and support of our dear friends and family.
I’m hopeful. With every injection, I think about how the creation of our future child is in the works. Maybe not with this cycle, maybe not even through me, but every day and with every injection, we’re becoming closer to being parents.
There you have it – a glimpse into all the feelings that came pouring down my cheeks today. So many emotions! But during tonight’s shot, I’m sure I’ll be able to hold it together. Brennen, on the other hand…well, considering that Southern Miss is about to play their first conference game on the road after coming off an upset loss at home last week, he’ll probably be the one flooded with emotions tonight, not me.
Stim Day 1